Challenging conversations

Start, manage, finish difficult conversations

Here are some steps where you start, manage, then finish the conversation, with clear aims for each stage.
 

Start

Create a safe space

Begin your conversation with someone by making clear there are no taboos, and they can speak their mind without fear of being judged or labelled. You want them to open up, voice their concerns, and reflect upon their reasoning.

Ask the right questions

Ask questions in a way that lets people express themselves and doesn't make them feel they're being cornered. Good ways to begin a question include:

• "On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you..."
• "Can you give me one reason for and one reason against..."

Separate the person and the view

You may find what they say offensive but try to distinguish between the person and their view – they're not necessarily a bad person, they've just taken on some dodgy opinions. Try to find out how and why.

 

Manage

Don't debate

Aim to encourage the person to explore their own reasoning behind an opinion. Citing statistics, or exposing their ignorance won't do this, it'll just make them defensive. It's likely their views are driven by emotion rather than facts, so your aim is to gently steer them to explore those emotions.

Practice emphatic listening

This means establishing trust and understanding. Focus on the person's reasoning rather than their conclusions, and highlight points of agreement between you. Respond to them with phrases like:

• "So what I think you're saying is..."
• "I think we both agree that..."

Unfreeze a conversation

When someone states a very hard line position based on emotion, it can be difficult to progress the conversation further. A good technique here is to ask questions that get them to loosen their position, even if it's ever so slightly.

So if they say:

"There are just too many immigrants!"

You say:

"How many should we allow?"

"What determines that number?"

"What should we do when there are staff shortages in the NHS?"

Difficult questions

The difficult question technique forces people to consider carefully before answering. One example is:

"Is your dislike of working with your Muslim neighbours more important to you than keeping the youth club open?"

Pause and wait silently after asking the question, until they answer.

Externalise disagreements

Use phrases like "some might say..." to introduce an opposing view, so it doesn't become a personal argument.
 

Finish

End with a beginning

You're unlikely to change someone's mindset after a single conversation. But you will encourage reflection that could later lead to change. So try to end the first conversation having established a channel of communication you can keep going.

Let the person know you enjoyed talking to them and learning about their concerns. Invite them to talk again in a few days time.

Additional resources

Is racism real? 

A report about the experiences of Black and minority ethnic workers – polling findings.

Download report (pdf)